


yeet

by ayonisarkar



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2020-01-23 21:05:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18557836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ayonisarkar/pseuds/ayonisarkar
Summary: yeet





	yeet

"I gave him a ride," says Jace helpfully. "Hi Alec. I heard you quit your job."

"Which you'd already know if you'd bother to answer my calls," says Alec, not looking at him. "Or ever come by. But I guess it's hard to come by here, for some people."

"That's funny, I thought he was here getting pool lessons all week," says Magnus, flushing harder, and Alec's face turns equally red.

Ragnor finishes coughing and takes a sip of his beer. "I would like to be clear that no one is allowed to have a crush on me," he says. He points at Jace. "That includes you."

"You remember me," says Jace happily. "You'd be singing a different tune if I weren't already madly in love."

"So did you quit your job for me?" asks Magnus, jaw clenched, and someone in the gathered audience gasps. "Did you let me win?"

Alec looks at Ragnor, who shrugs, before he says, "I made a move that meant you'd get what you wanted, no matter what happened."

"Which means you let me win."

"No. I won by making you win. So we both won."

"But we didn't!" says Magnus, stamping his foot. "You lost your job! You wouldn't even let me beat you at stupid darts and you gave up a whole career for me?"

This elicits a sort of sigh from the crowd, and Magnus’s had just about enough of them and their secondhand enjoyment of his annoyance. Clary clears her throat and waggles his imaginary sword, clearly getting impatient, but before he can say anything a loud voice behind them says, "Wow, this place is great! How have I never heard of it? There's not even a sign."

Raphael swings into view, holding up his hands for high fives from the crowd that never come, and he breaks into a grin when he sees them. "Magnus! I didn't know you were going to be here. How are you doing?"

"Um," says Magnus, totally derailed, but falling into Raphael’s enthusiastic side hug without resisting.

Raphael seems to take that as an answer. "So what did you want, Clary? This bar is cool and all but I was about to go to a romantic dinner and serve myself as dessert. Life or death situations are fair enough, but a man has needs."

Clary waves at Raphael, giving him a wide smile. "Hi Raphael. We're going to tell the truth and duel someone. Maybe in that order."

"Sounds like two things I've never done before," says Raphael. "I love those kinds of nights. Come on, baby, be my second."

And for a second Magnus thinks he's talking to him, but when he checks Raphael is craning his neck behind him, holding out his hand. And Magnus hadn't thought he had it in him to be more surprised, but when a bashful Simon steps forward he starts to wonder if he fell asleep at his desk again.

Raphael takes his arm off of Magnus shoulders and slips around Simon’s waist with a familiar squeeze. "You ever held a sword, gorgeous?"

"No," says Simon, smiling a little goofily at Magnus before focusing back on Raphael. He's blushing, which is the most surreal part of the entire tableau. "But you could probably talk me into it."

Jace applauds hugely, calling out his appreciation for innuendo, but it's aborted by Alec’s sudden rush forward. "You piece of shit," he growls, alarmingly close to Magnus, but he's not looking at him anymore. He's staring at Raphael with fury in his eyes, and before Magnus can react he's shoved Raphael back. "You stupid fuck. I told you I'd kick your ass if you fucked him again. Did you think I was kidding?"

"Now wait a second," says Raphael.

He's cut off when Alec lifts him bodily by the neck and slams him into the wall. "I hope you don't need your legs to dance. Because I'm going to break every damn bone in your body," he says. He pauses in theatrical consideration. "But if you can convince me you haven't been fucking him since the party, I'll break them fast, at least."

Simon surges forward, less aggressive than panicked, but he's restrained by Mecha and a guy Magnus doesn't know before he can get far. The rest of the patrons close ranks, hemming them in, and Jace drops to the floor and covers his head, screaming at them not to hurt his face. Ragnor just watches, sipping his drink, as a circle of buffness surrounds them all.

"Don't hit him," yells Clary, who's also been grabbed by a muscled arm. "Cookie Liar, stop! You're ruining fate!"

Alec doesn't even acknowledge her, still holding Raphael by the collar as he waits for him to speak.

But it's Magnus who speaks. "Wait," he says quietly, and Alec tenses. He half-turns, a question in his shoulders, and the bar falls silent at his unspoken command. "You slept with Simon at the company party?"

Raphael blinks at him, miming a lack of oxygen, and Alec drops him to the ground unceremoniously. Raphael coughs a few times, then says, "Yes?"

"Oh," says Magnus. "Really?"

Simon stops struggling and stares at him, but his surprise is nothing compared to Alec’s look of total shock. Clary elbows her way up to them, rubbing his shoulder and murmuring apologies to the people she shoves aside, then says gently, "Magnus, you already knew that."

"No I didn't," says Magnus. "How would I know that?"

"Because Raphael told you," says Clary. "And we talked about it when you got back from Busan but you said you didn't want to talk about it anymore so we didn't."

"I think I would remember something like that." Magnus massages his temple and mutters, "Maybe I am asleep."

Raphael rubs his throat and stands up straight. "But I texted you about it. Well, this asshole texted you from my phone. After he tried to punch my lights out in the bathroom. He told you I cheated on you, that I was a total dick, that I didn't deserve you, etc etc. All true, of course. It was the longest text string of my entire life. And the most pathetic."

Magnus frowns. "I didn't read them."

Ragnor laughs, giggling into his beer, and Jace leans over Clary’s shoulders with renewed interest.

"How could you not read your texts?" says Clary. "They're so important!"

"I don't know! They didn't matter," says Magnus defensively. "There were so many of them, and the party was over, and I don't know. I just didn't care."

"You read all of my texts though, right?" says Clary anxiously.

"Of course I do," says Magnus, and Clary leans back into Jace, satisfied.

Alec’s staring at him in amazement. "You don't think your boyfriend's texts matter?"  
"Oh, um," says Magnus eloquently, but he doesn't have to explain himself because Simon breaks in.

"You're telling me," he says, rubbing his face. "You're telling me that you never knew?"  
Magnus shakes his head.

"Then why did you guilt me for all of your Analytics work orders?" says Simon, throwing his hands in the air. "I re-arranged our entire rollout schedule for you guys!"

"Because you deserved it," says Alec before Magnus can even understand the question, his voice hard. "You knew Raphael had a boyfriend. And you knew it was Magnus, your supposed favorite person in the world. You fucking deserved it all. You're not a victim here. Especially because you're still doing it."

Simon frowns. "Still doing what?"

"They're still together, you unbelievable tool," says Alec. He glances at Magnus quickly, then turns away. "He got Magnus to forgive him with a few flowers, because Magnus nice to every-fucking-body, and they never even broke up, so if you've been with him you've been cheating the whole time. Get it?"

"You said you broke up with him!" says Simon. But he doesn't sound mad, he sounds anguished, and Jace makes a sympathetic sound from his place around Clary, motioning the crowd to join in. Which they do.

"Well, it's one of those things," says Raphael uncertainly. "Those situations where the answer is the problem? A throw 86?"

Everyone stares at him, and the bar patrons start murmuring, and eventually Simon says, "You mean a Catch-22?"

"Yes," says Raphael, relieved. "You're so smart, baby. It's a Catch-22. Because you can't break up with someone if you're not dating them, right?"

Clary nods vigorously, and Magnus stares at the floor, but Alec only scoffs. "You're a terrible liar."

"I'm not lying," says Raphael. "Seriously."

"Seriously," repeats Alec mockingly. "You've told me you're dating him a dozen times. Maybe more. And you're at the office all the time, in the break room, using the bathrooms, lounging around like you own the place. If it were anyone but Magnus, I would have had your sorry ass thrown out months ago."

Magnus looks at Raphael in disbelief. "You've been hanging around the building?"

"Yes. Constantly," says Ragnor from the corner. "I'm absolutely sick of his face. But Simon keeps letting him in, and I'm always open to blackmail material."

"You keep letting him in?" says Magnus, whirling around to Simon. "You told me he was a security risk! You blackmailed me with it! And I only let him in the one time!"

"Blackmailed you?" says Simon. "No! I didn't - I don't blackmail people! I just wanted to clear the air. Give you some advice. Give myself some advice. And to apologize for what happened. too. I thought you'd broken up at the party, earlier, but it still wasn't very nice of us. And he did tell me you dumped him and didn't care. I swear."

Simon face is devastated, and Magnus almost confesses to their fake relationship right there. But Alec is still standing next to him, fists clenched, and it's too embarrassing to even think about saying out loud. He looks at Raphael in mute agony, and Raphael stares back at him, expressionless, before his handsome face hardens once more.

"He made me do it," says Raphael, pointing at Clary. "Pretend I was dating Magnus after the party. And send all of the flowers, and hang around the building without Magnus seeing me. Clary will literally poison me if I don't do what he says, so I basically had no choice."

"I didn't make you!" Clary protests. "You said it was fun!"

"Well yeah, because this guy is a douche and he got so mad every time," says Raphael, gesturing to Alec. "But it wasn't enough fun for this."

Alec snorts, and Raphael turns on him with another glare. "Don't pretend like you're not. You're here yelling at me about cheating that, by the way, I never actually did, when you're just as bad. You're fucking worse, because you meant it!"

He shoves past Alec, poking Magnus in the shoulder for emphasis. "You want to know what he said to me? After our dance battle, in which I totally kicked his ass by the way, I congratulated him like the gracious winner I am, and he leaned over with a huge, doucheboy smile and said, 'I'm going to steal your boyfriend.' In front of God and everyone! So of course I said, 'Fucking try it, shitbird," and he just laughed like an asshole, and then he made me text you later that night that I'm the worst person in the world."

"Because you had your mouth on Simon’s dick!" says Alec, his face as red as a tomato. "You are the worst person in the world!"

He won't look at Magnus, who doesn't know what to think. His mind is completely empty, and he wishes there was a way to pause real life like a movie. He needs some time to decompress. And a hug.

"I was never even dating Magnus," says Raphael, exasperated. "We were faking it the whole night to fuck with you. And it worked, so don't even give me that shit. You were so jealous I could practically smell it on you, even before you threatened to yank him."

"Raphael!" whines Magnus, covering his face with his hands.

Raphael tugs them away, then puts his hands on Magnus shoulders and leans down. "Magnus. Look. You're the cutest little bean in the universe, and I would do anything to protect you, but you have never had sex with Simon while he explains what overclocking is like it's poetry. It's a religion. And I'm not going to let your weird mating dances get in the way of mine, especially when this douche is desperate to be your lover in the nighttime. I know it. Clary knows it. This whole bar knows it, right?"

He says the last loudly, with a demanding tone in his voice, and there's some reluctant agreement from the crowd.

"Oh my god," says Jace, suddenly jumping and down in excitement. "I remember! It's you! The dance guy who watched my food. Alec has a thing for your boyfriend."

"Thank you!" says Raphael, pointing at Jace like he's won a prize. "Magnus, I think you're the only one who doesn't know it, at this point."

Jace frowns, puzzled. "I thought that guy was a taller, though. And way more shy."

"Magnus wears lifts to parties because he's self-conscious about his height," says Clary. 

"And he's only shy around his crushes."

Jace face lights up. "So it's romance."

"Of course," says Clary. "And Raphael told me that the Cookie Liar wanted to steal Magnus, which I thought was a great idea because Magnus wanted to be stolen, but Raphael also said he was super competitive, so then I thought it would be a good plot if he still thought he had someone to win Magnus from. Like a drama. But I think Raphael is too handsome or something. Alec wouldn't finish the robbery no matter how hard I tried."

Clary sighs, forlorn, and Jace rubs her back soothingly. "I'm sure you did your best, sweetheart."

"I really did. I let Magnus go running in a scary park before the sun was up and I made Raphael tell Alec how good Magnus is at sex and I hid all of his loose pants under my bed so Alec would stare at his ass and I helped them have a fight at the fair so they could make up," says Clary, clearly aggrieved. She brightens. "But maybe this is the climax. Do we have any flower petals to throw?"

Alec doesn't seem interested in flower petals, blinking at Magnus like a fish on a line. "You made up a fake boyfriend?"

Magnus nods, miserable. He appreciates their faith, really, but he knows that Clary’s more right than he realizes. That Alec is competitive, and his thing for Magnus is just a game, a need to win, a part of their rivalry and his annoyance with Raphael. He'd lost to Raphael, got his hated second place, and Magnus isn't romance. He's just a prize, a trophy that Alec can't help but compete for.

He wishes he'd never found out about any of this, because now he'll have to go back to his Alec-gifted job every day, constantly reminded that Alec knows that Magnus is a pathetic liar, and a little in love with him, and Alec will laugh at him forever.

"Why?" says Alec.

Jace snorts. "Don't pretend you don't know from fake boyfriends, Alec. You almost ruined my marriage."

Alec still doesn't look at him, but he blushes again. "I did it because he had a boyfriend. To make us even. It's him I don't understand."

"It's hard to explain," says Magnus, almost whispering. He really wishes someone would give him a hug. "It's stupid."

Alec steps closer, and Magnus runs an anxious hand through his hair as he turns aside. One of his darts instructors is grinning at him, completely shameless, and Magnus groans and twists back to Alec.

"You've been single the whole time?" asks Alec, looking down at him. "Ever since I've known you?"

"Yeah," says Magnus. "I know, it's pathetic."

"Then why - " Alec begins, then seems to check himself. He bites his lip, uncertain. "Have I been making you uncomfortable?"

Magnus sighs. "A little? But it's okay. It's not your fault."

"It is," says Alec, rubbing his temple. "I never really learned how to take no for an answer."  
"An answer to what?" says Magnus, confused. "I meant that it's okay that you don't really want to date me. I know that what you said to Raphael was just… you know. A holdover. From your past. I know you didn't mean it."

"You think I don't want to date you," says Alec blankly.

Another giggle explodes from where Ragnor’s sitting, and Clary whispers to Jace, "Do you ever want to just like, bite Ragnor’s cheeks?"

"Not previously," says Jace, not at all in a whisper. "But now that you mention it, yes. Let's ask after the love story is over, okay?"

Clary murmurs agreement, kicking Magnus in the calf to hurry him along, because Magnus still hasn't said anything.

"How can you think I don't want to date you?" says Alec, a little more heat in his tone. "I've asked you out a hundred times!"

Magnus jaw drops. "You never have even once!"

"I absolutely have!" says Alec. "Not, like, explicitly, because you have a fucking boyfriend, but I've made it more than clear that you should dump the shit out of him. That he's a dickhead who treats you like crap, and cheated on you, and I never would. I would never do that, Magnus. But you just keep turning me down, and going back to him, and it sucks! You're better than him!"

"But I don't have a boyfriend," says Magnus, stamping his foot. "I wanted to date you. But when Chunhwa suggested it, you laughed. Just like Sebastian laughed, because you know it's ridiculous to think someone like you would ever be with someone like me. You didn't even like me when I was single. If you thought you wanted me later it's just because you thought I was taken, and I don't want to be a darts game. I want to be a person!"

Alec takes a huge breath, puffing up to an intimidating size. "I laughed because you were getting in the way of my job! Because you looked at me like I was a stupid idiot every time we were together. You hated me! Why the fuck would you go out with me? Plus you're gorgeous, don't tell me that you don't know that. I was into you from the minute I saw you, and you've been driving me crazy ever since, because I can't ever figure out what you want from me. If you wanted to be my boyfriend, why didn't you just say so?"

"Why didn't you just say so?" says Magnus. "You're the hot one! You have to make the moves. It's not fair otherwise."

"First off, you're the hot one. Second, I flirt with you all the damn time!" says Alec. He runs his hands through his hair, making it stick up at crazy angles, and grimaces. "Even when I don't want to flirt with you I'm flirting with you. And sometimes you seemed like you were into it, like maybe you were about to break up with your shitty boyfriend, but I definitely got the fucking message that weekend at the office."

"What message?" says Magnus. "The only message I remember hearing is that you didn't want to cheat on your boyfriend with me!"

"I don't have a boyfriend!" says Alec, and Ragnor laughs again. "I didn't want to make you cheat on yours! I wanted to date you the right way, not make you do something you'd regret, even though you straight-up asked me why I even bother with fidelity, and you were so hot that whole day that I could barely handle it.

"But when I told you I wanted to really date you, not just hook up, you just said 'oh wow, you're such a nice guy', which only means one fucking thing, and then you had Raphael practically sprint over there to get rid of me. So I was like, okay, I guess that's how it works when you don't fuck around. You're just miserable and hopelessly into a guy who doesn't want you, who won't even let you not like him because he's so perfect. But I told myself it was fine because you obviously wanted me to back off, and I'm not an idiot."

"Debatable," says Magnus under his breath, and Alec’s eyes flash.

"Yeah, maybe, because I still tried to convince myself I could win you over, if I just figured out the right play. But no one could tell me what that was, and I sure as hell didn't know. I've never even wanted to date someone before. Stupid Jin just kept telling me to do something romantic, but he knows even less about romance than I do. He's the least helpful best friend in the universe, honestly."

"Hey!" says Jace. "Don't drag me into your incompetence. I'll have you know my almost-boyfriend will probably agree to kiss me again someday, so I'm way ahead of you right now."

Alec ignores him completely. "So I went to the duck pond because I thought you'd be there with Raphael, and I could… be better than him. Impress you somehow. And when he wasn't there I thought it was my perfect chance, to make those kids happy, since you loved them so much. But you just yelled at me and almost cried and said I sucked at being your friend.  
"You were right, obviously. I didn't want to be your friend, in the least. But you weren't exactly acting like my friend either. Because you still wanted our bar dates, to get all giggly and tipsy and sexy as hell right in front of me, which was beyond unfair. But how am I supposed to ever say no to you? It's fucking impossible."

Magnus crosses his arms, unreasonably irritated considering he's on the verge of getting everything he wants. Leave it to Alec to confess in a way that's absolutely infuriating. "Fine. Maybe I wasn't acting like a friend. But you never flirted with me," he mutters. "Even when you didn't think I had a boyfriend."

"Oh give me a break. Do you really think I don't know how to tie a damn bow tie?" says Alec, rolling his eyes. "That I change in public bathrooms when there's not a chance that you'll walk in and see me? I stood in there for twenty goddamn minutes waiting for you to show up."

"You did what?"

"I stripped down in the office for you, okay?" says Alec, face red. "It was fucking embarrassing. But you'd been wearing those stupidly cute glasses and singing your sexy little songs every night and I'm not made of stone. So yeah, I waited for you half-naked to make you finally realize that I'm very hot, definitely hot enough to go to a party with even if you hate me.

"But when I asked you, you told me you had a damn boyfriend, one that no one in the office knew anything about, and he was all over you at that party. You looked like a million goddamn dollars, and I had to try to measure up with dumb fake Jace who wouldn't even kiss me, and I hated every minute of it. It should have been me."

"You never asked me anywhere!" says Magnus. He takes a long step closer, blowing out a breath and glaring up at an equally irritated Alec. "Why can't you ever just ask a simple question? Or tell me you're into me instead of playing ridiculous games with bow ties and dart dares and winning a thousand stuffed animals with my money? Why do you have to be so annoying all the time?"

"Because you're even more annoying!" says Alec. "Are you really not dating anyone?"

"No! I never date anyone!"

"Well that's about to fucking change," says Alec, and he grabs Magnus face in both hands and kisses the life out of him.


End file.
